SEVERAL CATCHY AND CLEVER!
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
-Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
-Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
-“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” "Great. I’ll start later.”
-Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.
-If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
-Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks, "What the Hell is wrong with you?"
-When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
-Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
-When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
-Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
-Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
-Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
-If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
-“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo".
-I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk: Getting sour and chunky.
-Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
-I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
-Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
-So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill…
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BONUS...
PARTAKE, ENJOY, PROCEED!
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